Confusion

I don´t like my changing moods, I watch me being and I doubt it´s rightness. I´d appreciate a more constant self. A more balanced self. Right now I am asking myself: Am I a material girl? Am I not able to see what is really important? I would like to settle down, mentally speaking. What is important, after all? What I don´t like about me right now:

* I don´t like me not being able to answer emails as fast as I would like to. In fact, in the office I manage just fine. Whereas in private life I´m a total mess… There´s people I´ve been owing emails like for six months!

* I don´t like making decisions. Again: In the office I manage just fine. But concerning myself, I´m a bit of a mess. There are always pros and cons to consider. Why is it so difficult to decide when it affects me? I´ll just have to accept the fact that only very small portions of life can really be planned.

Do not forget your former self. At this moment I believe that I was more self confident a few years ago. Knowing what to do. Trusting that it would be ok. I would like to meet my former self. Reading one´s emails is helpful and a small kind of „wayback machine“. I also recorded some phone calls I made some years ago. If I listen to them now it´s like a little earthquake. Hey, look at me. I was that kind of person. On the one hand, she´s very familiar. On the other hand, she´s strange.

If I got blind, would I be more grateful? Would I see, would I realize the important things better without eyes? Is it true, can´t we see the good things that happen to us? I would like to focus on them. And to rest in them when the rest is shaking.