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An English course in Southampton I

20. August 2002

As you go on living, you realize that certain things become important to you, invaluably important. They are based on an experience you had, and the greater the effect of the experience, the more valuable are those important things to you. When I was 17, something happened in my life that taught me to value being sincere, being trustworthy, being faithful.

There I am, 20 years old, strolling through the commons of a big English city in the early morning hours, my feet are getting wet, but the peace of the empty park makes me walk through the grass anyway, believing fiercely in faithfulness, believing too fiercely in my relationship to a boy who never let me be myself and who is very far away right now. I´m walking home from an apartment, where exactly now in one of the rooms a boy lays unsatisfied on his bed. I did not sleep with him…

„hello marie, its tim from sat night. how was london? would you like to meet up tonight and teach me some more german?“

Of course I did!

At eleven, when everything closes down here, we walked home and when we finally were standing in front of Mrs. Ps house, well… I had just told him minutes ago that I had a boyfriend and he said „Well, why did you agree on coming out tonight?“ and I said „Because I like you.“ So finally it´s sorta obvious what happened infront of the house, he told me something like „hm, who´s going to start, your´re the one with the boyfriend“. We both sort of started I guess. He thought I was single, I told him that I was sorry and I asked him whether he thought kissing to be cheating and of course he said no.

My problem now is: I know this is absolutely hopeless, but he makes me feel like I´m o u t o f m y m i n d, turning me on like hell, and I never feel like this with A, so I don´t know if it is wrong what I´m doing, I am really confused.

Today, after lessons, I went to the city with a friend, bought some postcards, then we sat down in the BelowBar and really had a good talk about relationships and all these things. Back at home I told Mrs. P that I had met someone on Saturday, she thought it was ok and that nobody would be hurt if I kept buttoned up. I was quite amazed that she took it that easily.

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